[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
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Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl