My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
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Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night