[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
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Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it