4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
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A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.