Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
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Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
this is one of the best threads in twitter history