Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
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*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Werent we promised soylent green by now?