Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
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[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler