My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
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Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it