Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
*weighs self after shaving
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
From my Mom
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius