*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity