PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
You Might Also Like
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.