I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
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Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”