You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
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How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid