My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
You Might Also Like
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.