Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
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We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.