I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
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[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
There is no “we” in chocolate.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.