Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
You Might Also Like
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
You’ll be OK
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow