Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
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Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up