How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
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ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Otters drive ottermobiles.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
good for her
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.