8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
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[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
What a chick magnet..
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.