I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
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To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
See..?
.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.