Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
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My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes