I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
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Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
i think we should see other cousins