Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
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Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.