They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
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If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.