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I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.