I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
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Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
me hooking up with my ex
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?