Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
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imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
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e
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Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I feel this so hard
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.