A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
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me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
This is always good for a laugh.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave