This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
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Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
They’re the worst 😩
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-