cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
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As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.