When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
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My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why