I hate what you’ve done with the place.
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watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
No, I don’t think I will.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
What a chick magnet..
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live