Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
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*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
In space, no one can hear…
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I’ve been drinking.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded