“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
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i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
💻🤡
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.