$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
You Might Also Like
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
dogs can find happiness so easily
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
So the ex texted me
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I have no passwords left in me
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.