[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
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Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
accurate
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall