reverse psychology? that’ll never work
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Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop