The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
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I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.