God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
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I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?