It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
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“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
m’lady
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself