Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
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“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I thought this was funny lol
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥