Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
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[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers