Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
You Might Also Like
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
peep davidson
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.