I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
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Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
🤣🤣🤣
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van