Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
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“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.