One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
You Might Also Like
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]