I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
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the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
NOT all policemen are strippers.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*