Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
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My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.