Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
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Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
accurate
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Me if I was a dog
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.